Breaking Free

As soon as she noticed me waking up, she told me about booking a flight.
And then I realized, she already gave up on me.

I was so crushed.. hurt and all the terrible things you felt after knowing that someone you loved the most already gave up on you.

Yes, I admit I wasn't doing my best in looking for a job. I was procrastinating. I was depressed. Watching korean dramas was the only thing that made me happy. But how the hell can I choose? Most job offerings are in a one and a half hour drive away. How am I supposed to go there? To be interviewed for only 10 mins? You discouraged me to go there so I stayed. You discouraged me to apply on some jobs because of course I'm a college graduate and I can do better. What am I supposed to do? I am tired, confused... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of all the expectations surrounding me.

All my life I've been living in all these high hopes that they have for me and its really getting my nerves these days. Parents are supposed to support, back up their children. Am I right? But why the hell are they taking over my life as if its theirs. I've been too obedient, too good as a child. The problems I've caused them are not as nearly as half as those my half brothers and sisters did. Can I live my life according to how I want it?

Living according to how I want it. It sounds good but its so difficult for me to do so. I just don't have the courage. I'm awkward with strangers. I'm terrible in doing small talks. I feel weird walking alone. I was just so used to have someone by my side that being alone is terrifying. These things may not be a big deal for some but it is for me. I plan to start over again in a new place and just forget everything. I want to be comfortable with myself. I've been too dependent with the people around me. I know it is not that simple. But the feeling that my mom can't even let go of me working in a far away place from her in a foreign country is just too much. I need to break free from all the chains that has been binding me.