What I feel today

It's been awhile since I let out what I felt. It has been almost a month since I arrived. I've been feeling frustrated, depressed, happy and confused. I feel like I don't have any freedom to make decisions on my own because I'm with my mother. I understood how she felt of wanting to be with me and wanting me to stay with her, I also want that but she keeps forcing what she wanted on me and I don't like it anymore, I felt I'm being strangled everyday. 

All my life I was obedient unto what she wanted and that was to finish my studies. I promised that I will help her have a house but I didn't expect it to be like this. I don't like being forced unto doing something that I don't like, I mean, who wants that? Even I don't like to force someone who doesn't want to do it because I think its just a waste of time. 

You may think that I'm self centered and blah blah blah but hey I'm thankful and was doing my best to help her get a house and save money. But I think that wasn't enough for her. I felt like I what I do will never be enough for her. I have been feeling depressed because of that. I'm her only child and I know she only wanted whats best for me but so tired. Tired of following rules and not living how I wanted to live. I'm aware that she cannot give me what I wanted on material things but I don't care about those things because I can or will get it on my own. I just wanted her to understand that I wanted to live my life the way I wanted it to be. Not because I'm forced or obliged to do it. Obligations are okay but being forced to do something is another story. 

I'm aware that she's scared that I might get unto marriage if I stay in the Philippines. I guess that was one of the reasons why she wanted me to be here with her. But to be honest, Yes it was one of my plans but after working, I realized that I was far from being ready into being married. Even if I say these things to her, she wouldn't understand. I know because I tried. She just isn't the kind of person who listens.